Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
