toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
