i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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