Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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