mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
