Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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