Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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