life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
