i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He shit in the fireplace
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
