I think I won the penis lottery.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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