I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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