I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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