at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
