I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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