I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Of course I have a pirate flag
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
