we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
