I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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