Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Im part way to drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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