You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
