You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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