Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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