HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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