Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
