Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
