I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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