Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
