I am puke
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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