Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
