Your mouth is God's brothel.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
