i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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