my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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