Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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