I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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