I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
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Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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