After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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