Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
