You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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