I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
wow bdsm is so cute
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
