Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
