At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I came so hard my ears popped.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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