he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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