Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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