I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
