I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
