He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
