fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
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New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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