our cab driver is having phone sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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