you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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