A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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