Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
