the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
